Ghostwritten By Wilbon has moved!
You can now find our hilarious content as a part of Rude ‘Tude Sports, specifically at http://www.rudetudesports.com/category/nba. With the NBA lockout in full swing, we’ve considered our options and decided this was best for our families at this time. No matter what happens, we just want to write about basketball. We hope you’ll join us. Namaste.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9IXAJg4Vm0
Andre Iguodala touched a rock and made some coffee.
Someone stole Evan Turner’s propane tank.
Craig Brackens watched Rush Hour.
Spencer Hawes returned from Las Vegas.
Jrue Holiday doesn’t know how to tweet pictures from his phone. He also saw a pigeon in a Burger King in Germany.
Marreese Speights thinks the word “in” is a substitute for the word “and”.
La La Vasquez and her hubby, Carmelo Anthony, attended the BET awards tonight, and it also happened to be her birthday.
Carmelo seems really excited.
Hey Knicks fans, remember what happened to Shawn Kemp during the last lockout? Just asking, no reason.
Kyrie Irving is headed to Afghanistan.
Minutes after being drafted first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 2011 NBA Draft, Irving received a call from U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, who notified the 6’4” 191 lbs. point guard from Duke University that he is to report to basic training at Fort Lewis, WA, by Monday, June 27.
Friends and family cheered for Irving, who averaged 17.5 points and 4.3 assists for the Blue Devils, as he took the stage with NBA commissioner David Stern and donned a Cavaliers hat. He then walked across the street to the local Army recruitment center in Newark, NJ, and took the stage with Private Scott Jones, put all his belongings in a paper bag, and boarded an Army recruitment bus headed for the west coast.
“I didn’t have any doubts about going to Afghanistan,” Irving said. “It’s a special feeling my heart knowing that I don’t have to play for the Cavaliers. It’s a memory I’m going to remember for the rest of my life.”
Irving is the third point guard taken first overall by the NBA and Army in the last four years. Previous selections Derrick Rose and John Wall were able to dodge the draft due to behind-the-scenes moves by their college coach John Calipari. Irving, who played under Duke and Team USA coach Mike Krzyzewski, was not able or willing to avoid such a fate.
“I’m not even from America,” said Australia-born Irving. “But Coach K always said that coaching Team USA was the most rewarding experience of his basketball career. Can’t say I blame him. When’s the last time Duke put out a decent pro? Grant Hill?”
Irving continued, saying, “I’m sure Coach spent that time with LeBron, Wade, Kobe, and all of them, and then looked back on all those years coaching Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Chris Duhon, Carlos Boozer, Mike Dunleavy… Jesus, man. Duke sucks. Anyway, I can’t wait to go to Afghanistan. It’s going to rock.”
Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert issued a statement Monday morning regarding the #1 pick’s decision written in lipstick on a bathroom mirror inside Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which read (in all caps): “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED ‘GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD’ WINS A WAR.”
If he dies in Afghanistan, Irving will join the aforementioned Duke players, as well as Jay Williams, Trajan Langdon, Danny Ferry, Corey Maggette, Cherokee Parks, and countless others, who have failed to live up to high expectations in the NBA.
When asked about the potential of becoming yet another disappointing Duke alumn, the Aussie Irving simply shrugged and replied, “Throw another shrimp on the barbie.”
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he might reward his team with something other than championship rings for defeating the Miami Heat to win the 2011 NBA Finals.
“Rings are done. It’s time to take it to the next level.”
It looks like Cuban has finally decided how to reward his championship team.
ABC announced plans Wednesday for a six-episode The Benefactor: Part 2 series, during which Cuban has agreed to give away $1 million and a contract extension to one lucky Dallas player.
Pictured: Contestants on ABC’s “The Benefactor: Part 2”
“I want every Maverick on the roster participating and I want every Maverick fan at home watching. I want to find out what these guys will do for a million dollars. Dirk, JET, Brian Cardinal, Ian Mahinmi, everyone. The right person is going to get on my good side at the right time, and whoever that is is going to walk away with a check from me for one million dollars and a 5-year, $60 million contract.”
Cuban has previously given away tens of millions of dollars to former players including Erick Dampier, Desagana Diop, and Keith Van Horn after finding out just what they would do for a million dollars. To date, former Maverick and current Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash is the only player to walk away from Cuban’s humiliating pay day.
”You know he always wants to do something different, wants to do something bigger, but I mean, the ring is just so classic,” said Mavericks forward and Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki. “That being said, I’m down for some wacky shit, it’s gonna be awesome.”
“Fuckin’, Mark Cuban is an ordinary guy who’s done extraordinary things,” said Dallas guard and Benefactor executive producer DeShawn Stevenson. Stevenson has sacrificed a spot on the show in exchange for the opportunity to contribute to the soundtrack. He has already penned the show’s theme, titled “Fuck LeBron.”
Originally, the entire Mavericks organization expected traditional championship rings after winning the title and bristled at the idea of change. Despite this initial hesitation, Cuban is hopeful for what’s in store.
“One way or another, I think we’re all going to benefact from this show. Is that how you say it?”
The Benefactor: Part 2 will air Tuesdays and Thursdays in July at 8 PM EST on ABC.
LeBron James, after being confronted with Dwyane Wade’s question “why does everything have -gate?”
Basketball is the best sport and will always be the best sport. Here’s to next season, wherever we will find it.
In case you missed it, here are the actual highlights of Dirk Nowitzki completely destroying the Oklahoma City defense, including an abnormally disheveled and bearded Nick Collison, during the Western Conference Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and Oklahoma City Thunder.
Dallas is currently down 2-1 in the NBA Finals going into tonight’s Game 4 against the Miami Heat. Here’s hoping Dirk can turn the series around and “terminate” LeBron James and the Heat. That is to say, I hope Dirk murders LeBron. Literally. With a gun. And then takes his clothes. And rides away on a motorcycle.
Fresh off his retirement from the NBA, Shaquille O’Neal has announced plans for a 30-city tour of the United States. “The Big Torpedo of Truth Tour” kicks off in Detroit next Saturday, June 11.
The future Hall-of-Famer promises to tell “the REAL story” about his NBA career and perform other “random acts of Shaqness.” Further details are unknown, though an unnamed source has announced the involvement of rapper Snoop Dogg and gross-out comedian Joe Rogan.
“We did it. Nineteen years, baby,” O’Neal said in a video uploaded to Tout.com announcing the tour. “I want to thank you very much. That’s why I’m telling y’all first: I’m bringing ‘The Big Warlock’ to you, the fans. If you’re winning, I’ll see you there. Trolls and Dwight Howard need not apply.”
O’Neal retires one year into a 2-year contract worth nearly $3 million with the Boston Celtics after injuries limited “The Big Bitchin’ Rock Star From Mars” to just 37 regular season and 2 post-season games.
“I really, really thought about coming back, but this Achilles is very damaged. I didn’t want to let people down two years in a row. Instead, I’m just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world.”
O’Neal later clarified that the “two smoking hotties” he was referring to are Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley and that he plans to join the studio team for TNT’s “Inside The NBA.” Ernie Johnson could not be reached for comment.
Alan Pearlman, founder of ARP Instruments, Inc., after mishearing Shaquille O’Neal’s retirement announcement.
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones speaking to Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder about the recent secret meeting held between NFL owners and the players’ association.
A not so interesting fact.
Miami Heat reserve center Erick Dampier re-opened his online store early Thursday morning following the Miami Heat’s 85-75 victory over the Chicago Bulls late Wednesday night. Available for the first time since 2006 are Dampier’s commemorative “Never Underestimate The Heart Of A Damp-ion” t-shirts, now back since being stored away after losing the ‘06 NBA Finals to the Heat as a member of the Dallas Mavericks.
“This has been a long time coming,” said Dampier. “I have over 85,000 of these shirts waiting to be sold. Who wouldn’t want my face on their chest? No, I said ‘wouldn’t.’”
The Heat have been long favored to make a run at the Finals this season, but Dampier was hesitant to re-open his store until he was confident he would not be asked to play again in the playoffs.
“I’m not trying to fuck this up.”
Dampier plans to use the profits earned from his “Damp-ion” shirts to pay for legal fees owed from a related 2006 lawsuit issued by Rudy Tomjanovich.
Said Dampier, “This is my opportunity to finally make things right and prove to everyone that I truly have the heart of a Damp-ion, patent pending.”
The Chicago Bulls and Miami Heat face off for Game 3 this Sunday at 8:30 PM EST.
Toronto Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo after signing a contract extension that will keep him with the franchise long enough to see their next star leave without compensation
Basketball news and rumors with Brandon and Joe. We don't know who coaches the Minnesota Timberwolves anymore. Please leave us a message if you do
